interviewer: any special talents?
yeah so i slept with this dude last night and idk we were chatting a bit during the sexy time and for some reason his birthday came up and i was like “wait 25th of september? DUDE me TOO, wtf thats such a coincidence” and he was like “really? we have the same birthday? are u fuckin with me?” and i just looked down at his penis literally inside my vagina and was like “well technically yeah” and he was like haha nice one and high fived me
my heart says yes but my mom says no
Reasons why you should date me:
- I’ll make you breakfast.
- You’ll be my breakfast.
if we are spooning and i arch my butt into you there is a 1000% chance i don’t actually have to stretch and that i just want to feel your boner
i love when dogs sigh. its like, hey bud, long day at the office?
*stands behind a cute girl while pretending to talk loudly on the phone*
"yeah too bad it’s valentine’s day and i’m single. such a shame given my huge dick and expert lovemaking skills. i guess i’ll just have an expensive dinner all by myself"